So as I mentioned in

https://slightlysarahblog.com/2016/09/08/when-you-get-knocked-down-part-1/

 This is personal writing that I did not intend to share. So the letter below is a very raw piece I wrote to my child. I feel compelled to share all of this now because of the shadow and stigma attached to any child labeled “less than perfect”.

This is a piece I wrote for Eve the night before she had her “evaluation”. I write both girls letters on and off so they have them when they are older. I did not realize how scared I really was until I read this back to myself.

My sweet baby,

Tonight is our last night.

 So when you fussed I went right up to your bedroom to pick you from your crib and snuggle you. I held you in my arms and you laid your head on my shoulder, like always.

 But tonight is our last night.

 I listen to your deep baby breaths and felt your coo’s against my neck.

 But tonight is our last night.

Tomorrow we face ” normal “, we face “evaluation”.

 Tonight is the last night that you are no different than any other 18-month old baby.

 Tomorrow we face ” hearing problems “, ” speech problems “, ” autism ” or worse. Tomorrow we face “more tests “.

 I hope you can feel all the love and energy I’m pulsing through my body to you, so you know, that no matter what tomorrow brings, I couldn’t love you more.

 I hope you know that no label will change the fact that you are the baby I was on my hands and knees begging God to let me keep you.

 No, tomorrow won’t change that.

Nothing could change that.

Still tonight is the last night that I can mask my fear and hold you like I always have.

I hope you know that I will fight for you. I will be your advocate, and I will move heaven and earth to make life easier.

No matter what tomorrow may bring, you can count on me. There is nothing I won’t do to make sure you have a happy life.

But tonight is our last night.

So I will stop thinking and just enjoy our time. My sweet cuddle bug. My perfect baby.

Love Always , 

Mama