This is my first year with one kid in grade school and one in pre-school. I knew this year was going to be a bit of a juggling act, especially since I put the girls in schools 20 mins away from each other. I thought that was going to be my greatest challenge this year, boy was I wrong.

Can we just talk about the extra stuff? You know the non-educational “special” events and “extras”. The spirit days, and the fun runs, and crazy sock day. I’m not super old, OK. We had that stuff when I was in school. It occurred once a year, and it was fun. I consider myself a pretty involved parent, and I like all the fun little programs, but this shit has become a full-time job.

Literally every single week my daughter brings home a flyer, followed by an email, about some activity that is completely voluntary. And by completely voluntary, I mean participate or you’re a dead-beat loser. It all started with story book day. So, I buy a $15-dollar red riding hood outfit and watch my kid walk around the halls. Was it cute? Yes. Is that it? No.

The very next week it’s red ribbon week. So, it’s Pajama day, and super hero day, and wear red day. Then it’s 50’s sock hop day, another $15 on amazon for a poodle skirt. Did I mention the fun run? I paid $40 to stand in the blazing heat and watch my kid run around in circles. I could have done that shit at home for free!  All of this was before the end of September! My kid has been in school for a month and I’ve already spent more money on “extras” than I did for a year of school supplies, and a Pottery Barn backpack, WTF?

If you are a parent with school age kids, I know you feel the struggle. If you are a teacher, I can’t even imagine how you feel. Like who makes this stuff up? Who in the actually hell says “let’s have crazy hair day, so parents can get up an hour early just to destroy their kids’ hair”? Who is it? I want to know! We have had so many pajama days at school, I should have bought more nightgowns and skipped the school clothes.

Now here we are and it’s the holiday season. I have more sign-up genius links in my inbox than I can count. We have two feasts, dress like a Native American, bring 2 dozen gluten free, dairy free, nut free, vegan, store bought cookies! December hits and it gets more intense. Bring one book for the book exchange, one book for the tree in the library. Candy canes for the whole class. Money so my daughter can shop at the peppermint lane holiday gift shop, and buy God knows what. Christmas cookie decorating, holiday parties, and special dance performances. I know how much cash I shell out for this stuff, I can’t imagine these poor teachers. Which brings me to all the gifts. Teacher gifts, staff gifts, admin gifts, friend gifts, class gifts, the list goes on and on. Is this enough? Is this too much? My mom friends and I have a text chain dedicated solely to appropriate gift giving. It’s become complete insanity.

I know this is all very voluntary but if I don’t participate, my daughter feels left out. Maybe I just have a really sensitive child but, if “wear an orange shirt” day slips my mind, I catch a wrath of shit from my six-year-old. Then of course I feel like the worst human that has ever walked the earth. Total and complete mom failure. I’m a jerk, and my kids will need therapy for years.

So, for the love of Jesus, can we just chill with the crazy sock, stand on your head, wear a hat, dress like a giant block of cheese days? Please, I’m begging. I can’t keep up. I don’t know how anyone can keep up. No wonder all of us moms are running around like zombies. We’ve been up all night sewing a pilgrim outfit out of felt. We’ve been selling our kidneys on the black market to afford gifts for anyone and everyone who interacts with our children.

 Alright guys, that’s my rant for the day. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of emails from the people who come up with all this fun stuff, telling me I’m a volatile human. That’s OK, I’ll never read them, because they will be lost in the sea of school emails and sign up geniuses. I’m over it!

DISCLAIMER: I love both of my children’s schools, and I adore their teachers. This post is in no way targeted at a particular person, or particular group of people. The opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect my opinions when I have had the adequate amount of caffeine and sleep. I don’t intend to be offensive, it’s just my personality.

FUN RUN & SUPERHERO/BIRTHDAY

TURKEY DANCE & STORYBOOK DAY

50’s SOCK HOP DAY