The Weight Loss Conspiracy

I have a confession to make. I’ve been a little obsessed with my diet and weight loss lately. No matter what I seem to do, this last 10lbs of baby weight won’t come off. OK, so I should probably stop calling it baby weight, since my baby will be 3 this winter. Whatever it is, it’s driving me nuts and pissing me off. Just to add insult to injury, there is no good logic here. I’m an active person. I don’t eat like shit (mostly). I drink like 3 gallons of water a day. What the hell you guys? I know I’m not alone in this boat, and that helps, but really what gives? I got to thinking about it, and I think I have figured it out. Follow me here ladies;

Number one mystery to “baby weight”, why did my feet grow? I will guarantee you, I have no fat left on my feet. My feet are skinny as hell girl. So why can’t I wear my 7.5-8 shoes? Because my bones grew! It’s the only logical explanation. Pregnancy makes your feet grow. I don’t know why, it just does. So now the wheels are turning, if my feet grew, what else grew?

My uterus! All those cramps after delivery are supposed to get your uterus back down to it’s original size. If a uterus does in fact return to its “original” size, then why do you show faster with your second baby? Mmmmmhmmm. I know my uterus is bigger than it used to be. I’m giving it 3lbs of the weight I can’t lose. My uterus can’t be my only organ affected here.

How about my kidneys and my liver? Organs are basically muscles, and they worked twice as hard for 10 months, 2 times. I’m giving 2lbs to my kidneys, and 2lbs to my liver. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? Uh Duh!

Speaking of muscles, I have definitely gained muscle weight. Anyone who has ever lugged an infant carrier around knows, you need gorilla strength for that shit. Not to mention all the standing and pacing and rocking that babies require. You are not walking out of baby life with chicken arms OK? 3 lbs to the muscles.

I’m not even going to get into boobs, but we all know the story there. I could lose 40 pounds and my boobs will never be the same. I’m giving my ta-ta’s 1 lb, but you may want to give yours more.

Quick recap, 11 of these 10 pounds I’m trying to get rid of belong to parts of my body I can’t even see! How am I supposed to slim down my kidneys? Do they have a weight watchers program for that? Seriously, it has to be a conspiracy. All these weight loss companies have us momma’s running around, spending money, thinking we are fat. We are stuffing ourselves into $50 SPANX because our uterus is fat, not us. All of these people out here body shaming. Why? I can’t help that my bones actually grew with each pregnancy.