OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT

I’m writing this blog today because over the past couple weeks a few of my friends have fallen victim to some big mouth mistakes. I’m calling them mistakes because I don’t believe people are trying to be offensive when they say some of the dumb shit that they say. So, I thought maybe we could all use a refresher course on how to not be an asshole.

#1. Mind your own uterus. Do not congratulate someone on their pregnancy unless you know for sure they are pregnant. Instances when you know for sure; they have announced their pregnancy or the baby is crowning.Yep, that’s it, just two. I don’t care how sure you think you are that a woman is pregnant, the risk is not worth the reward, I promise you. Men in this situation, we don’t ask you how long you have been baking that beer baby, so don’t even think about it!

#2. A close relative to #1. Mind your own placenta. If you DO in fact know a woman is pregnant, do not remark on the size of her belly. This includes but is not limited to; “are you sure it’s not twins?”, “you look like you’re about to pop!”, “you are so tiny, are you sure you’re that far along?” Every baby belly is different. Every woman is different. When we are carrying a human being inside of our bodies we are not looking for your remarks on how it looks from the outside. We are charged up on sleep deprivation and hormones. Either tell me I’m pretty and give me a snack or get the F away from me.

#3. If a pregnant woman decides to share some information with you, tread lightly! The most common intrusive question I get as a mother of two girls is “are you going to try again for a boy”? First of all, what makes you think I would bring another human being into this world for the sole sake of adding a male to my family? Second of all, what makes you think I was hoping for one child of each gender? Lastly, if I do “try” for a boy and end up with a girl are you going to take the baby for me so I can try again? These are my kids, not a latte that the barista accidentally put whole milk in instead of skim.

#4. Just because two people have committed to spending their lives together does not mean they are going to have babies. You may assume that is the natural order of things, but it is not. We are not struggling to keep the human population going so do not concern yourself with others procreation. It is human nature to be curious, but please consider that a couple may be struggling to start a family. Please consider that choosing to have children is not as easy as “removing the goalie” for everyone. Along these lines people who choose not to have kids are not selfish. Selfish is bringing a life into this world without the means to take care of it.

#5. That lady with 4 kids in the grocery store behind you at check out. She already knows she has her “hands full”. She just wants to get her bread and go home without any of your smart-ass comments. She might have her hands full but she’s 75% less likely to end up in a shitty nursing home.