ARTWORK – Yes, I love it. Of course, I see exactly what it is. It’s wonderful, I’ll keep it forever. You are an amazing artist!

Truth is, with the exception of the uterus painting below, I’m usually very confused by my kid’s artwork. Yes, I love it, but like 50 paintings or color pages a week is too many too keep. I’m throwing most of it away once you go to sleep baby.

DADDY – No, of course I’m not mad at Daddy. Yes, I know you just saw me yelling at him like a hyena in heat, and I’m sorry for that. I’m not mad at Daddy, I promise baby, Daddy is my prince.

Really though, your Dad pisses me the F off, and I’d like to rip his face off some days, but you won’t understand that until you have a husband of your own to love hate.

MORALS- Well sweetie, if my friend pushed me, I’d tell them nicely not to do it again. I know that’s not nice, but you have to be the bigger person honey. You stay kind no matter what.

Honestly, if my friend pushed me, I’d knock her on her ass, and laugh at her when she tried to get back up.

BEDTIME- Yes love, it’s late and we are all going to bed. We all have to get up and have a good day tomorrow. Even Mommies and Daddies need their rest.

In real life, mommy needs a glass of wine and some trashy reality TV. Daddy wants to watch the game in peace. We are both going to stay up too late and not get enough sleep. We do this because alone time is rare commodity these days. I would probably let you stay up later, if you ever let me use the toilet alone.

BEST FRIENDS- Yes baby, you are my best friend too.

Ok guys, even my charcoal black heart skips a beat when my little tells me I’m her best friend. I know, these days are numbered. Sweet girl, you are not my best friend. All of my best friends are of legal drinking age. In fact, you are not my friend at all. You are my daughter. We can be friends when you pay your own bills. Until then, I will stalk you, guard you, invade your privacy, and meddle in your problems.

Sorry for being such a liar girls.

All my love,

Mom