Here are a few mom’s I just can’t be friends with. I like meeting new people and I try to be kind to everyone. However, making “mom friends” is tough, even for the super social. I consider myself a “cut your losses” kind of lady. I approach a potential friend and say “Hi I’m Sarah, would you like to drink wine and bitch about our kids”? If the answer is no, that’s OK. I just like to know where I stand. Before I developed this intense screening process for potential friends, I met the ladies below. You may know some of these gals as well.
Yes Cathy, I believe in God, and my daughters have been welcomed into the world of faith. By that I mean they have been baptized and say their prayers. They go to a faith based school, so in my book, God and I are on the up and up. Christian Cathy will need to know all of this upon first meeting. She will also request that you do not curse, or take the Lord’s name in vain. Yup, I’m out now. I like Cathy, I just know it’s only a matter of time before I offend her. Cathy will probably invite you to her bible study group. If you decline, she will try to convince you that she is super open minded because she has a Jewish friend on Facebook. I’m not a Jew Cathy, I just don’t go to “bible studies” that don’t have an open bar.
Braggy Betty –
Ladies, you know her. When you mention your potty training woe’s, she promptly responds with “O, I don’t know. Little Susie was fully potty trained at 9 months and also speaks 6 languages.” This is where I exit, but if you hang around she will probably friend you on social media. That way you can see all of Susie’s accomplishments up close and personal. Braggy Betty never has a bad day with her kids. In fact, she captures every heartwarming moment in a filtered collage of rainbows and unicorns. I don’t know for sure, but I’ve heard, one of Betty’s kids is actually a unicorn. Impressive Betty!
O Genny, I know that germs are scary and make us sick. I also know that kids are freakin’ gross. If you’re a first-time mom, or have a babe with a compromised immune system, germaphobe it up doll. However, if you lose your shit when our two healthy 4-year old’s share a drink, I’m going to slip you a Xanax when you are not looking. It’s not like I encourage gross behavior, but little kids are like drunken college girls. They share drinks and snacks and tissues. What can I say Genny, if your kids are sick, keep them the F at home please? Other than that, we are just building immunities here people. I’m fine with your antibacterial key chain, but when you come to my house, please leave the Lysol wipes at home.
Perfect Peggy –
Yep, I see you there. You have your chino pants and your pressed Ann Taylor blouse. Peggy has a whole crew of equally impressive mom friends. Peggy and her friends have housekeepers, and BMW SUV’s. Peggy’s crew plays tennis and golf. Actually, that’s not true. They drink martinis at the country club lounge while wearing LuLuleLemon, and call it a sport. I would be down to hang out with Peg and the girls, but I wasn’t invited. They’ve never actually spoken to me. I just get the “no teeth smile”, with a slight “tilt of the head”. That’s cool guys, I get it. I’ve never been inside of a Chico’s store, and I drink wine out of a box. We are just from two different worlds.
There you have it, my list of “can’t do” friends. If you are involved with one of these ladies, get out while you still can. If you are one of these ladies, I’m sorry. If you ever want to come to the dark side of boxed wine, curse words, dirty kids, and crappy selfies, you let me know babe, I’ll be here.