Before I became a mother none of these phrases would have come out of my mouth. Well, maybe like one or two but definitely not one a regular basis. Now I say this shit every day, usually multiple times a day. Sometimes when I hear myself I think “what the fuck happened to my life?” I’m sure you moms and dads out there can relate. Here are my weirdest:
#5. “What is in your ear / nose / eye / mouth?”
I never imagined saying this to another human literally 30 times a day. Funny story; the first time I ever swore in front of my daughter, well that she was old enough to repeat. I saw something crazy in her ear, got my tweezers, and pulled out the biggest wax ball I have ever seen in my freaking life! She’s my first kid so I cleaned her ears like every day, second kid is not as lucky. When I saw this monster of a wax ball, “what the fuck”, just slipped out. Needless to say, she was just learning to talk, so she repeated me about 6 times as I examined the monster wax ball.
#4. “I have to check your poop.”
Don’t flush honey, mommy has to check your poop. Don’t throw that diaper away before I check the poop. You moms know a poop check is necessary from time to time. Are they constipated? Diarrhea? Ate an earring? God, help me but I am the designated poop checker.
#3. “Why are you naked?”
Someone tell me why kids just strip down butt naked for no reason at all. I just dressed you, why in the hell are you naked? We are leaving in 5 minutes, put your clothes on! This question often leads to #2.
#2. “Did you poop in the corner?”
Sometimes, a random strip session is the catalyst for a good old poop in the corner. My second baby is like a wild animal living in captivity. If I don’t catch her right away she will begin to mark her territory. I’ve been told this is a phase, if it’s not, I’ll have to crate train her.
#1. “Why are you up my ass?”
The number one weirdest thing I say now that I’m a mom is, “Get out of my butt”. It seems like kids get stuck at this weird height where they are butt level, for like years. This is incredibly annoying because my kids are literally and figuratively up my butt all the time. Every time I stop, a kid slams into my ass. Take an unexpected step back, stomp on kid, kid gets mad at you. Change direction suddenly, trip over child, throw your back out, kid gets mad at you. Give me some space child! I don’t care if you follow me around this house for 6 hours, you are not getting any more damn goldfish. It works though, by 4 pm. my need for personal space is so great, I give them the goldfish.
What are the weirdest things you find yourself saying now that you’re a parent?